Does Social Media Really Connect Us With Our Loved Ones?

Tips for Healthy Social Media Habits

Hey, it's Aniket! 👋 Welcome back to What's On Your Mind?: my occasional newsletter that gives you insights into your mental wellbeing - backed by academic research, domain-expert opinion and surveys. This is my second issue in a series focused on social connections 👫

I am not a licensed healthcare expert. If you need mental health help, please seek professional care and read with your own skepticism.

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Social media platforms are paradoxical: they promise deep connections but are also epicentres of division. Their negative impacts can be on the macro-level and cause societal concerns - including misinformation and communities fostering radicalism. Or, they can be on the micro-level and result in more individual and intimate harm - enabling cyberbullying for teenagers in schools and causing distraction at work and at the dinner table.

Yet, we also know some of the clear benefits of social media - especially on the micro-level and helping us connect. Group chats on WhatsApp help us organize get-togethers with friends. Video calls on Google Duo connect us with family abroad. LinkedIn can be a launchpad for networking opportunities. And TikTok has an endless amount of funny content ⬇️

During COVID-19, the American Psychological Association even recommended social media platforms to stay connected while we manage social distancing rules. Their use seems inescapable - the average person spends nearly two and a half hours on social media every day, and it constitutes half of our time on our mobile devices.

So, does social media really connect us with our close ones - or are we better off without it? And as users, should we do anything about it to benefit our mental health? Let's take a look:

Keep in mind, I'll strictly be focusing on the impact of social media on the micro-level (close social connections - i.e. connecting with people we already know, such as family, friends, partners, and for forging new, similar connections). I won't be focusing on the impact of social media on the macro-level (like business and fuelling e-commerce, education and spreading misinformation etc.)

The Cons

Behavioural Changes

Two major types of downsides are connected to social media consumption. First, increased social media use can have profound behavioural changes - affecting how we view ourselves, our loved ones, and how we see the world. One long-term study of people aged 20 to 97 found that if you spend more time on social media, you have a higher level of neuroticism (a tendency to experience negative feelings like anxiety, anger, emotional instability and loneliness) a year later. The relationship also works the other way around. If you have a higher level of neuroticism, you spend more time on social media. Even infants aren't exempt from similar negativity. When parents use their mobile devices (which, again, is often for social media), they're typically distracted, less enthusiastic, and unresponsive. A study found that when mothers look at their devices for as little as two minutes (!), infants are less likely to play with their toys, show less positive emotions, and are generally less happy.

The way social media platforms are purposely designed plays a part in how we change our behaviour. Many platforms heavily focus on text. And research shows that when we're faced with an opposing political opinion by someone else, we are more likely to view that person as intelligent and warm if their argument is spoken by them rather than read (like through a tweet). It's no surprise then that we consistently run into digital political discourse and rarely have productive debates. With photos on the Instagram Feed, the company has fostered a culture of rewarding beautified photos, leading users to try to showcase the "best versions of themselves." This promotes social comparison and often makes onlookers believe that they are different from the norm - forcing our brains into a feeling of inferiority that lowers self-esteem and heightens social anxiety. And the platform is incredibly aware of this issue but sweeps it under the rug.

Opportunity Cost for Meaningful Connection

Arguably the more significant downside of social media usage is that it represents an opportunity cost for meaningful connection in the real world. Research has shown that offline, face-to-face contact is much more valuable than online interactions - especially when battling loneliness. And a survey of adults in the US taken during COVID-19 agrees - 68% of people say that digital socialization is useful, but not a replacement for in-person contact. In the perfect world, we'd spend more time directly connecting in the physical realm than attempting to do so in the digital one.

Yet, we're often satisfied with digital contact over in-person contact. During their last social gathering, 82% of millennials say they have used their phone to read texts and emails, and 75% have sent texts and emails. And 89% of all mobile device users have admitted to checking their phones in their last social gathering - with a third peeking their phone just to see if they got any alerts.

Social media is so ingrained in our lives that it affects us even when these apps aren't open. When we take photos intending to share them on social media later, we find less enjoyment in those experiences than taking photos for ourselves (for our memories). We become anxious about how we'll be presenting ourselves with these photos and lose out on connecting with the world around us (like the people we are with).

Our addiction to social media connections can even be physically dangerous. In 2013, passengers on a San Francisco bus were so distracted with their phones that they were unaware that a man repeatedly pulled out his pistol until he fired a bullet.

The Pro

Vehicle for Connection

The one umbrella category for why social media is good for intimate social interaction is that it serves as a vehicle for connection. John T. Cacioppo, whose research on loneliness I spoke about in my previous article, argues that the link between social media and loneliness is a matter of how you use it. If social media platforms are used for strengthening existing connections (like arranging real-life hangouts through messaging apps) or for discovering new social connections (like finding interest groups on Meetup), feelings of loneliness decrease. However, if people use social media platforms to replace offline social activities and as a tool to try to circumvent social pain (like through mindless scrolling on feeds or fantasizing connection - leading to social comparison and negative thoughts), feelings of loneliness increase.

Other studies support Cacioppo's work. Research from Oxford found that if platforms facilitate genuine social interactions, they can positively affect our well-being. Following the news cycle on Twitter or engaging with influencers or brands on Instagram doesn't seem to make us happier. A study from Harvard confirms a similar idea - limiting our use to responding to content from close contacts through a healthy routine can be good for us. Constantly checking apps out of FOMO (fear of missing out), on the other hand, hurts our mental health.

The Consensus (?)

At the end of the day, social media is a mixed bag. When it comes to its impact on closeness, it's tough to assess whether it's a net positive or net negative for all.

Whatever you believe in, the reality is that it is difficult to completely shelter yourself from social media (and digital detoxes don't work, by the way) because of their network effects. If all of your close contacts regularly keep in touch by sharing messages and content, it's hard to ignore perceived positive interaction and being labelled as the anti-social duckling.

Experts suggest that one of the most important things you can do for yourself is following mindfulness when using social media. Everyone should understand what specific behaviours are detrimental (or beneficial) to their health and identifying those behaviours in the moment:

On a concluding note with my two cents 💸, some former leaders of these Big Tech platforms express regret on the companies they've fostered. Chamath Palihapitiya, who formerly was a VP of user growth at Facebook, stated that social media is ripping society apart:

"[Social media platforms are] eroding the core foundations of how people behave by and between each other... My solution is that I just don't use these tools anymore, I haven't for years. It's created huge tension with my friends, huge tensions in my social circles... I can control my decisions which is that I don't use this sh**. I can control my kids' decisions, which is that they're not allowed to use that sh**..."

Similarly, Sean Parker, who was the founding President of Facebook (and played by Justin Timberlake in The Social Network), calls himself a "something of a conscientious objector" on social media and in an interview said:

"When Facebook was getting going, I had these people who would come up to me and they would say, 'I'm not on social media.' And I would say, 'OK. You know, you will be.' And then they would say, 'No, no, no. I value my real-life interactions. I value the moment. I value presence. I value intimacy.' And I would say, ... 'We'll get you eventually.'""I don't know if I really understood the consequences of what I was saying, because [of] the unintended consequences of a network when it grows to a billion or 2 billion people and ... it literally changes your relationship with society, with each other ... It probably interferes with productivity in weird ways. God only knows what it's doing to our children's brains."

If the architects of our addiction think they have warped our minds and affected our closeness, what greater evidence do we need to validate the harm of their platforms?